Welcome to 2019

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I suppose it's typical of bloggers (which I am most decidedly not) to make some obligatory Happy New Year post (which this isn't). However, with varying degrees of success, I am a person who wants to document his progress.

I'm not a guru, I'm not trying to teach anything. I'm a garden variety guy who just wants to be a better person, even if it's just by a fraction of a percent. There's always something I can be doing to better myself.

This is what I do instead of play video games incessantly. I create tangible things for you to consume like podcasts and photos and the like, and I attempt to create within me the tools and systems that allow me to live a life with as little stress and friction as possible so that I can continue creating things I think matter.

In the past, I've used a phrase that I borrowed from a great album -- Passion and Warfare. The Passion is creativity, and the Warfare is the battle against a strange hybrid of complacency and dissatisfaction that I think we all might share. Wanting something different and better, but being unmotivated to change at the same time. A comfortable hypocrisy, I suppose.

I am most likely more guilty than you of this crime against the self. Having changed much of my life over the past 13 years, it's very easy to say I've done enough. To do that is to remain in stasis as the world passes by. I've done my bit of just watching the wheels go round, and after a while it gets boring.

Every so often, I feel those pangs of dissatisfaction again, and I set about analyzing why. This past year I did not have very hard to look. Over the past year due to family medical issues I was not able to accomplish most of what I had set out to do, but more than that, I got very angry about not being anywhere close to where I would like to be at the age of 48. After a little bit of a self-audit, I came upon some internal and external reasons why.

Internally, I do not hold myself to a standard of consistency. I never have, and I must. I never make it past the messy middle and push through to the other side where I am sure success lies. I can see it, but I've never been able to reach it. As a result, others who have started in the podcasting game -- or creativity in general-- surpass me. That's my fault. At least I haven't nuked my website and started over, which I have done in the past.

Externally, I've come to believe that I should have trusted my instincts as far back as eighteen years of age. I should never had let people who thought they knew better convince me that what I wanted to do with my life wasn't viable. Being a photographer, working in radio, learning to tell stories using every form of media I could master. This is what I have wanted to do. Always. I let parents and teachers and some well meaning friends judge without context, and steer me from that path. I'm sad that I let them, and angry that I seem to have wasted so much time.

At the end of October, I resolved to start creating something in photo, written, or audio form every day. The only rule I'm giving myself is that it doesn't have to be good, it just needs to be. It needs to exist. Some of it might suck. Some might suck a lot. A LOT. I don't care. What I know to be true is that if I get the pipeline going again, the good stuff will come through.

There may be some practical things, there will definitely be some absurd things. There might even be some batshit crazy things. Consider the source.

Welcome to 2019. Let's begin.